Redemption

WOMAN (To therapist)

It's hard to know where to begin. It seems to have been part of my life for so long. It seems to have worn away the hope of you stopping and of being free from it, and I can't remember noticing when hope went. The main thing was the feeling of being let down, of not being worth stopping for.



MAN (To himself)

I can't seem to explain the way I feel. The anger inside me is about to explode.



WOMAN (To therapist)

At the start you said its not a big deal, you could leave it, and some days you did, but gradually there was never a night off, never a day when you were the you I knew. When I asked you not to have any, you would, you didn't understand my upset when you tried to pretend its nothing; you ignored my feelings about it.



MAN (To woman)

You can't know how I feel. How can you possibly know what it is like to be inside my head?



WOMAN (To second woman)

You laughed out load, saying, "did I mind" even when I said yes, you went ahead anyway. Then you hid things from other people, you were blatant in front of me as if it didn't matter.



MAN (To himself)

I beg you, don't leave me. Fuck off then I couldn't give a fuck what you think. How could you possibly know what my world is lie. Fuck off then.



WOMAN (To therapist)

I told you things and asked things and you always forgot them: that hurt. Especially as in the mornings you were woolly headed and grumpy and would shout at me for not telling you things. Impatience was another effect. You asked deeply personal questions about feelings and thoughts and couldn't wait for an answer if it wasn't immediate you didn't allow time for thought or forming of an answer. You upset me on many occasions with your abruptness.



MAN (To himself)

See if I care. I'm cracking up. Don't go. I need help. This piece of shit is crying out loud to end this.



WOMAN (To therapist)

A bedroom full of tissues, a draw full of rolled up notes. I felt useless and un-important watching you destroy yourself, watching you hardly able to breath, headaches that made you cry, blood on those tissues. I sometimes didn't think you would be alive in the morning, you scared me, not in any violent way, but of your own frailty.



MAN (To himself)

No one understands. What could you possibly need from me I have nothing To offer no one can help me



WOMAN (To therapist)

It affected your memory, you arranged to meet me a couple of times, I sat and waited, you never appeared and when I would ring you, you would be apologetic and say you forgot. 10 minutes after making the arrangement.



MAN (To himself)

I am alone and it's getting lonelier. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, I'm dying inside.



WOMAN (To therapist)

You lied, you lied about where you were who you had been with , you avoided answers you made out I was confused or augmentative, you had an affair or more, I don't know , you denied the one I knew about until it got To the stage where you couldn't handle it and had To confess in tears , then forgot there had been a problem. That hurt.



MAN (To himself)

How can you tolerate this mess? What nave I done with my life what is the point.



WCMAN (To therapist)

Everything seemed to be based on lies and the saddest was that you believe you could still stop.



MAN (To himself)

What is the point? There is no point to this. It' s getting worse Leave me alone



WOMAN (To therapist)

Paranoia, and insecurity, both difficult, rather than make you more loving they made you augmentative and stubborn , with a streak of unreasonableness. You wouldn't back down on issues, you would argue over opinions Just because they weren't the same as yours, you belittled people and me, when feeling very insecure with someone you would deliberately and provocatively start arguing, start making accusations and insulting people, it was difficult to be with you sometimes.



MAN (To himself)

Then leave me to die then inside I am dead anyway I wouldn't want what I have why should you



WOMAN (To therapist)

The fact that we never slept at the same time was another thing, you were up all night, I needed to sleep, you would be doing the most ridiculous things into the early hours, lists and lists, or drawings or notes, paperwork that you piled up under the bed



MAN (To himself)

Go. Just go. Puck off. I am past caring for anything or anyone



WOMAN (To therapist)

It was a gradual wearing down, at firs; I battered you when you said you didn't need it, could stop, but time and time again you lied. You broke promises and disappointed me, I don't know at what point I knew you wouldn't stop, but it was a heavy burden.



MAN (To himself)

I haven't got the guts to end this.



WOMAN (To man)

Nights of half sleep, expecting you at any minute. At parties noticing you had disappeared , even when you knew t hat I knew no,one else, hours later coming back and acting as if you had been there all the time, not saying where you had been, also at parties all those ridiculous trips To the Toilets and still convincing yourself that no one knew, but it was clearly in your eyes, how much I needed you , and somehow you Could never blame yourself, you just wanted to be out of it.



MAN (To woman)

Please help me.



WOMAN (To man)

So little tolerance for others, so little tolerance for yourself.



END